Getting to know Whitney and Dexter

Please introduce yourselves.

Dexter: This is my sister Whitney. She is 30 and the best OT I know. One of my best friends and a 5’ 10” pain in the butt. 

Whitney: This is my dweeb brother Dexter. He is 27 and from the Florida panhandle, where I was born. According to him we were supposed to be twins, which is why he rushed to get here when he was born 4 months early. 

You have a very interesting story. Briefly (or not) tell us about it.

W: I’m not exactly sure where to start and what will be interesting to your readers. But I am adopted. I already knew who my biological mother was.  After I graduated from OT school and got settled into my career in 2018, I decided I wanted to find out about my biological father. So I did a DNA test and got a lot more than I bargained for. 

D: I went 26 years without realizing my sister existed. Until Dec. 21, 2018 when our dad told me he had a surprise and proceeded to tell me about Whitney. He asked if he could give her my number and the rest is history. 

W: Making contact with my biological family has made me feel rooted. Dexter and I are so fundamentally alike.We reason through problems in the same way. Our outlook is very similar in a way that is hard to explain. On paper we should be very different from one another, but we aren’t! Now that we have been brought together it feels like we’ve always been siblings. There are also ways in which we balance one another out. Like he has cerebral palsy and I’m a new occupational therapist. We have a lot we can learn from one another. 

What are some assumptions people make about Dexter?

D: A lot of the time people assume I’m a step behind, intellectually. They’ll talk to other people in the room rather than speaking to me directly. And every quirk in my personality gets attributed to CP. Also basically some people write me off immediately instead of giving me a chance. 

W: I’ve noticed that too. People sometimes don’t think he can reason through things very well or that he has come to an incorrect conclusion when thinking about a problem. This is very unnerving to me because he and I often come to the same conclusions when thinking about an issue. However people rarely assume I’m incompetent.

 Also people tend to assume his life is really horrible, and act like any little thing he does is an amazing miracle. He’s an awesome person but he doesn’t need any “freebies” if that makes sense. 

Whitney, as an occupational therapist, you have a unique perspective when it comes to your brother. Has there ever been a time where you have to take a step back due to internalized ableism? 

W: Absolutely. There’s been times I’ve had difficulty finding my role because I’m not sure where I’m the sister and where I’m the therapist and where I’m being prejudicial. When we first made contact, I realized that I’d been kind of evaluating him and assessing his mobility, cognition, independence etc. like a therapist and it really made me feel like garbage that I’d done that without meaning to. 

I’ve also really learned to trust his judgement and listen when it comes to making his own life decisions in all aspects.  Sometimes it takes a lot for me to grasp his lived experience, and I’ve learned to trust that he’s seeing something that I can’t. If I’m not understanding why he’s wanting me to do something a certain way, or the choices he’s making with his relationships or his life goals, the problem is that I’m not grasping all the components. It isn’t that he’s wrong in his approach. 

Don’t get me wrong I’ve never tried to like, strong arm him into certain life experiences or anything, but there’s definitely a mindset shift that has taken place on my part. 

While we’re on the subject of ableism, what sort of ableist things do you come across on a daily basis, if at all. 

D: Probably the most prominent thing is when people come up to me and just start talking to me about whatever they want. A lot of time they want to tell me about their weird personal family issues and stuff. I think they know if they were to do that to anyone else the person would walk away or shoo them off. And they know I can’t or that I won’t.

W: I think what you mentioned earlier about people writing you off or treating you like you’re stupid qualifies as well. 

D: For sure. 

Have you had any issues regarding accessibility? If so, please describe.

D: Mainly stairs or buildings not being equipped to be accessible. Or some buildings are equipped, but barely and not very well. That was very common where I’m from in Florida. 

W: In New Mexico things are generally one level, but it seems all the buildings are old so they don’t have ADA compliant thresholds and stuff like that in my opinion. 

What is the one thing you’d like to see changed in regards to the disabled community?

D: The biggest thing is letting us have a voice in our own life. Our plans, our therapy, just basically giving us a say. Also another thing I’d like to see changed is the social aspect of disability where people count you out or dismiss you. 

W: I’d have to agree on both counts.

Anything else you’d like to add?

Thanks so much for the opportunity to guest blog and share our experiences! People can find us on Instagram at tied__together with 2 underscores.  You’re also welcome to email us at 2tiedtogether@gmail.com 

Guest blog - Ableism series - "Disability and Misogyny" by Katherine (parkavenuepinup)

#MakeupIsNotACure

So, let’s talk about something serious--ableism. Lately, abled people have had the audacity to tell me I’m “not disabled,” because I “don’t look sick.” Look at this photograph. I was five weeks post-op from a surgery for advanced endometriosis. I was having a flare up the day we took these photos. I was very sick in this photo. But since I was wearing makeup, with pin curls, and lingerie, nobody knew I was sick. 

Abled people tell me “you don’t look sick.” Tell me, what does sick look like? Can you see my uterine tissue cementing my organs together? Can you see the cytokines attacking that tissue because my body thinks it’s a pathogen? Can you see the constant autoimmune response of my body fighting itself? Can you see my chronic nausea and vomiting? Can you see my nerve pain that shoots so far down my legs that I’m unable to walk some days? Can you see my pelvic floor dysfunction. or the permanent muscle spasms in my pelvic muscles that causes me unending pain?

I wear makeup, pin curls, and lingerie because my appearance is the only thing about my body that I can control. I do these things because if I don’t, I spiral into the abyss of feeling powerless in my body. Would you rather me perform your idea of “sickness” for you—no makeup, messy hair, and sweatpants, so that you can pity me and subsequently feel like a good or superior person for helping me?

Abled people only want to respect, validate, or accommodate disabled people if we are disabled in a socially acceptable way—if we shrink ourselves and never ask for anything, including accommodations, if we never complain about our illnesses or our pain, if we never call out ableism and discrimination, if we never lament the injustice of being disabled, and accepting that we will be sick and in pain forever.

Abled people want inspiration —short tidbits about disability that cab be reduced to a Pinterest quote about "perseverance," or "bravery" that they can apply to their lives. Abled people want to look at us and feel grateful for their lives and for their health. Abled people do not want disabled people to challenge their beliefs, or force them to confront their ableism. 

I do. Look at this picture of me. I am sick. I am suffering. I am in pain. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am disabled.

You can follow Katherine on Instagram @parkavenuepinup.